...heaven.

# And if you were faced with him in all his glory, what would you ask him if you had just one question?

Back in 2007 I survived a car crash and my mum had made me promise to go to Church and give thanks to God for sparing my life. My mum goes regularly and she always asked me to go with her, but in all honesty I could never be bothered. I was always too wrapped up in myself to really care about religion, and not to mention it was then that I had entered into a self-destructive, anti-social and just plain awful relationship with fellow car-crash-survivor (a story I'll tell another day, if at all). Three years on, having crawled out of the abyss, exhausted, dirt on my hands and sweat on my face, I had grown away from the me of 2007. I felt like myself again and it was a great feeling. I did a lot of things that I in no way did for the sake of deliberate defiance or liberation. I pushed my beliefs, I dated different people, I went out more, I danced, I changed my style, I tried to learn new things... Everything was experimental, serendipitous and brilliant.

And this brings me to now.
Yesterday I went to Church for the first time in I-don't-even-know-how-many-years. I don't even know if I had hit puberty the last time I voluntarily went to Church. I had been feeling low (to say the least) as of late and somewhat disconnected with my usual carefree and happy self. Disappointing exam results and general aimlessness both career-wise and romantically made me question exactly what my purpose was in life.  I know it probably sounds so melodramatic but don't be too quick to judge me. I was far from suicidal and I was impatient to move on from this pitying way of thought but I did not feel the zeal for living. This is exactly what the quarter life crisis is, right - all of a a sudden having so much pressure and expectation to achieve a career/ambition, a stable boyfriend, make money and just have purpose in our short lives. And I say "all of a sudden" because it was just yesterday I was 16 years old and in sixth form, the world my oyster and the prime of my worries being whether or not I should attend General Studies this week when I'd never been to a single class since the start of term. Anyway, after talking with mum and good friend Miss McG, they inadvertently convinced me that maybe I'd find meaning in God. Everyone had been saying to me that "maybe Law isn't for you and something else is" and "what you're going through now is just a silly phase". None of these words made true sense to me and I could always think of a stubborn retort. I was pretty inconsolable and I knew that nobody but I could help myself.

McG said to me "God has a plan for everybody and maybe you can't do this now because you weren't meant to. Pray for guidance that he will reveal to you what you were meant for and what is right for you."

I did not go to Church equipped with the anticipation that I would miraculously find faith and meaning and contentment but I did not go with apprehension either. This first time marked a willingness to let myself be open to God; to interpreting my life and purpose; and perhaps to giving way to a new phase in my adulthood.

During the pastor's preach my head was filled with questions and  - dare I say it - doubt. Christianity, to me, has so many flaws and unexplained areas that do not coincide with modern society. In turn, it makes so many others like myself turn their backs to it. The experiences I previously mentioned and I have thus far been through - many of them were against Jesus' teachings. Was I allowed to be in the house of God and believe in him half-heartedly? One area that concerns me is the question of sex. Am I allowed to follow God and at the same time believe that it's OK to have sex before marriage? And that it's OK to use sexual contraception? Was I inextricably damned if I just went my own way about things, even if it didn't mean I was a bad person?
I'm taking my cynicism differently this time. I am going to continue returning to Church and continue questioning until I can make an informed decision about my faith. In a way, I have so far clarified my negative attitude, even if it is slight, so I must be doing something right. Also, I think having something (someone) to be good for is a positive way to be a lovelier person. So now I'm less stressed out about all this "omg-what-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-life-why-am-I-such-a-failure" business. AND I'm going to start with swearing less. I don't swear that much at all but I do much more than I used to. Furthermore, the pleasant people I met at Church made me appreciate followers of God in a whole new level. They were so NICE! The potential friend I made was definitely an added incentive.

And the cute guy I met. Ahem.